Stickin’ it to the Man

via Ananova:

Love rat’s sticky end

A wife got her revenge on her cheating husband by hatching a plot with his three mistresses to superglue his manhood to his stomach.

US police say Tracy Hood Davis persuaded rivals Therese Ziemann, 48, Michelle Belliveau, 43, and Wendy Sewell, 44, to get their own back on husband Donessa.

Ms Ziemann lured Mr Davis to the Lakeview Motel near the shores of Lake Winnebago in Wisconsin, tied him naked to the bed and blindfolded him.

He then heard a knock, was able to partly remove the blindfold and saw his wife and other two mistresses enter the room.

Ms Ziemann pointed a gun while one of the women glued his penis to his stomach. They then fled, allegedly taking his wallet, mobile phone and car.

He eventually broke free after chewing through one of his bindings before escaping the room and calling the police.

The three have been charged with false imprisonment and Ms Ziemann is also charged with sexual assault. All were bailed.

When Drugs and Hormones Damage Brain Cells

Via Baltimore Sun:

Couple charged with having sex in a parked car loaded with drug-making equipment, ingredients

The car was a-rockin’, and the law went a-knockin’.

Bexar (BAYR) County sheriff’s deputies drawn by the actions of an amorous couple in a parked car allegedly found more than l’amour.

Deputy Ino Badillo (bah-DEE’-yoh) tells the San Antonio Express-News they also found enough equipment and chemicals in the car Thursday night to start a methamphetamine lab.

Badillo says deputies checked out the car after neighbors reported it parked in an unusual spot, just northeast of San Antonio.

He says 26-year-old Timothy Overly and 25-year-old Candace Prewitt have been charged with public lewdness and manufacture of a controlled substance. Badillo says both were booked into the Bexar County Jail with bonds set at nearly $31,000 each.

Attention June Brides

Via helyn.com:

For the low, low price of $350 you can get the cake topper that says, “Yes, I’m just that slutty.”

Providing Crude Jokes since 1961

What Analtech does is cool – manufacture thin layer chromatography plates and other lab supplies.

Their name is just…horrendous.

Dine and Crash

Via AP:

Women dine, dash and then crash into Detroit IHOP

DETROIT (AP) – Four women trying to skip out on their bill at an International House of Pancakes ended up plowing into the Detroit restaurant as they sped away. No one was injured in the accident Tuesday morning. Restaurant manager Raymond Jefferson told the Detroit Free Press the women ran from the IHOP just after 6 a.m. without paying their bill. Their server chased them out the door.

But one of the women lost control of the Mercury Cougar as they drove away, crashing through the restaurant’s wall and smashing at least one large window.

The driver was ticketed at the scene.

The driver’s father told The Detroit News his daughter had more than $200 in cash on her at the time and was talked into dining and dashing by friends.

This Seems Like a Terrible Date Idea

Via Mike Thrasher Presents:

Time: Contestants have a maximum of 2 minutes to perform an air sex routine. This can include all phases of an air sex encounter: meeting, seduction, foreplay and intercourse, or you can simply cut to the chase.

Music: Competitors must perform to music, you can either bring a CD of your performance track with you, or you can choose from our selection of air sex music. You may also include an audio prelude to your performance, maximum of 30 seconds.

Other Rules: Unlike air guitar, there are not many other rules. Props are allowed, teams are allowed, talking is allowed. The only important rule is that all sexual climaxes must be simulated, not real.

Video Flashback

Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart is a catchy song with one of the most screwed up videos I have ever seen. Random doors opening, fencers, gymnasts, and glowy-eyed half naked boys combined with random melodrama and a lot of flowing fabric make this a classic. Here’s a great literal spoof of this nonsense:

Daddy, Can You Help Me With This?

Via Awkward Family Photos:

That’s just wrong…mixed in with a lot of WTF!

Fight for Your Right to Dance Poorly

Via CBS News:

Ohio Teen Expects To Be Suspended For Trip To Prom

An Ohio teenager says he expects to be suspended from a Christian school for attending a public school prom with his girlfriend.

Officials at Heritage Christian School in Findlay had warned 17-year-old Tyler Frost that he would be suspended and prohibited from attending graduation if he went to the Saturday dance. The fundamentalist Baptist school in northwest Ohio forbids dancing, rock music and hand holding.

Frost says he went to the dance because he wanted to experience the prom and didn’t think it was wrong.

School officials say he could complete his final exams separately to receive a diploma.

Frost’s stepfather says the rules shouldn’t apply outside of school and he may take legal action if Frost is suspended.

Those sad, sad Baptists…that sounds like a regurgitated plot for Footloose II: Stay Away From the Electric Boogaloo.

Chuck Norris, Theft Deterrent

Via Ananova:

Chuck Norris protects baker

Store bosses have seen off burglars by placing a life-sized photo of Hollywood action star Chuck Norris in the window.

The posh bakery shop in Split, Croatia, had been broken into almost every week until they put up the poster of the karate champ with a sign saying: “This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris.”

Now the bakery hasn’t had a single burglary for more than a month.

Sales assistant Mirna Kovac said: “To be honest we just started it as a joke but it really has worked. Thieves haven’t been anywhere near us for ages. People seem to respect him.

“Everyone around here has seen his films and he’s quite a popular character, perhaps even among criminals, so they’ve decided to leave us alone.”

She added though: “We have had a few customers come in and ask us whether they can get Chuck’s autograph. They really believe he is sitting in our storeroom out the back ready to pounce on any burglars.”

They should fake autograph some Norris 8×10 pictures and sell them on the side to their more retarded clientle. Or maybe sell little Chuck Norris action figures in a morning kick ass value meal with a danish and coffee.