You might want to put that gun facing away from your head, ma’am.  I’m just sayin’.

Via Cover Browser:

Santa went down to Hell, the reindeer were drunk again.
He was in a bind ‘cos he was way behind, but he didn’t care just then.
When he came across this young man jammin’ and playin’ it hot.
Santa jumped upon a hickory stump and said: “Boy let me tell you what:
I bet you didn’t know it, but I’m a jammer too.
And if you’d care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you.
Now you play a pretty good axe, boy, but give Santa his due:
I bet a Les Paul of gold against your soul, ‘cos I think I’m better than you.”
The boy said: “My name’s the Devil and it might be a sin,
“But I’ll take your bet, you’re gonna regret, ‘cos I’m the best that’s ever been.”

(cause he killed that Johnny long ago)

Via: The Sun

Jail’s dope farm

DOPEY prison guards unwittingly allowed a convicted drug dealer to grow cannabis in his cell – and even decorate one 4ft plant as a CHRISTMAS TREE.

Gold-toothed Mohamed Jalloh, 28, convinced jail staff that his super-powerful skunk crop was really tomato plants.

He grew it for at least five months while unsuspecting officers and bosses admired his green fingers. And he got so cocky he put festive decorations on one to brighten up his cell at Verne Prison in Portland, Dorset.

Eventually he was grassed up by a jealous inmate – and guards then identified the plants using Google snaps.

A source said: “You could see the plants from the grounds as his cell looks on to the education department and communal outside area. They were on show for the world to see.”

Makes you wonder WTF kind of training these people had to complete if Google is the only way they can find illegal activity.

via Ananova:

Love rat’s sticky end

A wife got her revenge on her cheating husband by hatching a plot with his three mistresses to superglue his manhood to his stomach.

US police say Tracy Hood Davis persuaded rivals Therese Ziemann, 48, Michelle Belliveau, 43, and Wendy Sewell, 44, to get their own back on husband Donessa.

Ms Ziemann lured Mr Davis to the Lakeview Motel near the shores of Lake Winnebago in Wisconsin, tied him naked to the bed and blindfolded him.

He then heard a knock, was able to partly remove the blindfold and saw his wife and other two mistresses enter the room.

Ms Ziemann pointed a gun while one of the women glued his penis to his stomach. They then fled, allegedly taking his wallet, mobile phone and car.

He eventually broke free after chewing through one of his bindings before escaping the room and calling the police.

The three have been charged with false imprisonment and Ms Ziemann is also charged with sexual assault. All were bailed.

Via Baltimore Sun:

Couple charged with having sex in a parked car loaded with drug-making equipment, ingredients

The car was a-rockin’, and the law went a-knockin’.

Bexar (BAYR) County sheriff’s deputies drawn by the actions of an amorous couple in a parked car allegedly found more than l’amour.

Deputy Ino Badillo (bah-DEE’-yoh) tells the San Antonio Express-News they also found enough equipment and chemicals in the car Thursday night to start a methamphetamine lab.

Badillo says deputies checked out the car after neighbors reported it parked in an unusual spot, just northeast of San Antonio.

He says 26-year-old Timothy Overly and 25-year-old Candace Prewitt have been charged with public lewdness and manufacture of a controlled substance. Badillo says both were booked into the Bexar County Jail with bonds set at nearly $31,000 each.

Via helyn.com:

For the low, low price of $350 you can get the cake topper that says, “Yes, I’m just that slutty.”

What Analtech does is cool – manufacture thin layer chromatography plates and other lab supplies.

Their name is just…horrendous.

Via AP:

Women dine, dash and then crash into Detroit IHOP

DETROIT (AP) – Four women trying to skip out on their bill at an International House of Pancakes ended up plowing into the Detroit restaurant as they sped away. No one was injured in the accident Tuesday morning. Restaurant manager Raymond Jefferson told the Detroit Free Press the women ran from the IHOP just after 6 a.m. without paying their bill. Their server chased them out the door.

But one of the women lost control of the Mercury Cougar as they drove away, crashing through the restaurant’s wall and smashing at least one large window.

The driver was ticketed at the scene.

The driver’s father told The Detroit News his daughter had more than $200 in cash on her at the time and was talked into dining and dashing by friends.

Via Mike Thrasher Presents:

Time: Contestants have a maximum of 2 minutes to perform an air sex routine. This can include all phases of an air sex encounter: meeting, seduction, foreplay and intercourse, or you can simply cut to the chase.

Music: Competitors must perform to music, you can either bring a CD of your performance track with you, or you can choose from our selection of air sex music. You may also include an audio prelude to your performance, maximum of 30 seconds.

Other Rules: Unlike air guitar, there are not many other rules. Props are allowed, teams are allowed, talking is allowed. The only important rule is that all sexual climaxes must be simulated, not real.

Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart is a catchy song with one of the most screwed up videos I have ever seen. Random doors opening, fencers, gymnasts, and glowy-eyed half naked boys combined with random melodrama and a lot of flowing fabric make this a classic. Here’s a great literal spoof of this nonsense: